


Otherside

by OkamiShadou98



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: A tiny bit of Deckerstar, Blood and Injury, Dan's not the man in this one, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Lucifer's logic makes even less sense than usual, Protective Chloe, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, season 4
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:13:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28356006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkamiShadou98/pseuds/OkamiShadou98
Summary: Mid season four - Ever since Charlotte’s murder, every breath Dan takes burns like a brand. Drowning in equal measures of rage and despair, he takes his pain out on the person who he has decided is to blame for everything. Lucifer.But when his harsh words produce an adverse effect in his least favorite consultant, Dan is faced with the realization that there’s no need for him to tell Lucifer he’s guilty. He already knows.Or, Lucifer uses Dan's own anger as a way to punish himself for the death of Charlotte.
Comments: 58
Kudos: 107





	Otherside

**Author's Note:**

> So this one is dark, darker than probably anything else I've done. There no fluff and little comfort in this one. I hadn't originally planned to finish this fic but someone gave me the push to do so. We'll see where it goes. Tentatively saying it'll be three chapters but we'll see. This is an older work and not up to my usual standard so I apologize for that. Still, I hope you enjoy.

The first month after Charlotte’s funeral had been the darkest moment of Dan’s life. Put on extended leave and with Chloe and Trixie going to Europe with hardly a goodbye, there had been no distraction from the relentless grief induced tremors. He hadn’t eaten, hardly slept, and simply waited. For death? Maybe. More so, for judgement to be passed down on him.

He should have been there when Pierce shot her, not Amenadiel. Dan was certain that his cop training, some sixth sense of his, would have felt the gun trained on them. He would have grabbed Charlotte and gotten her to safety like he had a hundred times on the job. It was the sort of situation every cop was prepared for.

As time passed and days of isolation grew into weeks, a thorn punctured Dan’s certainty. He was missing a point wasn’t he? After all, the whole reason he should have been there to save Charlotte was because of Pierce really. And someone had withheld the information about Pierce being the Sinnerman…

Dan’s dreams began to shift from what ifs to revenge. Every moment he was awake, and a good portion of his nightmares, were haunted by Lucifer Morningstar.

Lucifer had never been Dan’s favorite person, he was the furthest thing from if the detective was being honest, but the club owner had a way of worming his way into places where he wasn’t welcome. Dan’s initial frustration with the man had settled into mild irritation, mostly egged on by the fact that Chloe and Trixie had been so enthralled by Lucifer. 

It had been a mistake, one which had cost him more than he could have ever fathomed. His sanity, his very will, Morningstar had stolen it. And where was the club owner now? Dan had driven by Lux most nights, imagining how easy it would be to slip in and shoot the man in the face. Fantasy it may have been, Dan had not brought his firearm with him on any of these adventures to stave off possible urges.

Lux was always lit like a beacon, a calling to the rich and wealthy of Los Angeles. They flocked to the club like locus, queueing in line just to feel the electricity thrown off in excited waves. The only night the club had been closed had been the day Chloe left for Europe.

Dan had been collecting paperwork for his ordered ‘vacation’ when Lucifer had loped down the stairs in a frenzy, searching wildly for Chloe. That had been the first time Dan had seen any hint of duress in the club owner, who had shown up wearing mismatched shoes and a heavily wrinkled shirt.

Force of habit and that terrible blanket of numbness was what had caused him to inform Lucifer that Chloe had gone to Europe and had not told anyone a return date.

For an instant, Lucifer had positively crumbled. His face had broken into an aguish so pronounced, it skewered Dan. Dark eyes had asked, no, begged for an answer, some sign that the world was not imploding. Dan had not given either, simply watching as the other man staggered back up the stairs, gripping the railing as if it were all that kept him from being lost to wild screams.

He’d looked about half as bad as Dan had felt.

Aside from that moment in the precinct, the two had not seen each other again until Chloe’s return stateside. Dan had been simultaneously relieved to have his daughter back and furious that Lucifer returned to work. At first, the two had managed to stay out of each other’s way. It helped that Chloe was giving Lucifer some seriously mixed signals, meaning the club owner was completely and utterly focused on her.

Seeing Lucifer every day though, watching him prance around the precinct as if nothing was wrong, as if he were not the reason that Charlotte Richards was rotting in a cemetery, grinded on every nerve he possessed. The urge to do something, to vent all the pain and anger that was building inside him like a shaken soda can nearly capsized him. Lucifer, at least, seemed to sense the literal fire raging in his veins, because he never came over and apologized like he should have. In fact, he mostly ignored Dan.

That should have soothed him in some way. He knew if Lucifer actually had the audacity to speak to him, he would beat the shit out of the man, no questions asked. Except, he wanted a reason to. His blood sang for it, an excuse to lay into the club owner and tell him exactly what he thought.

The chance came nearly two months later, after the death of a young officer who had entered into a warehouse with Lucifer and been killed by his lack of procedure…

\---------------

Dan was rummaging around for his lunch in the precinct fridge when he heard someone come up behind him.

“If that’s you Jameson, my report will be finished today, okay? You can stop hounding me-” he turned around, expecting to see one of the senior detectives but instead was met with Lucifer, leaning against the wall and holding a half eaten pudding. Dan’s pudding.

Dan’s brain stalled for a moment. Aside from his amazement at the consultant’s sheer audacity to steal his food, he was also acutely aware of the fact this was the first time he had been within ten feet of Lucifer without Chloe present. He felt like a dog that had slipped his leash, abruptly free.

Lucifer appeared relaxed, bringing his spoon to his mouth and licking off the pudding in an unnecessarily provocative move.

“Good afternoon, Sir Douche. I see you’re buying the sugar free pudding now.”

Dan stared. Frozen. 

Lucifer finished off the dessert, tossing the plastic cup expertly into the garbage can. “Hello, Daniel? Has all that time in the gym shrunk your brain?”

And just like that, Dan burst.

“Don’t you fucking ‘hello’ me. Actually, you know what? Don’t even talk to me.” Dan rose to his full, albeit somewhat unimpressive, height and slammed the fridge hard enough for the contents to rattle. 

Lucifer’s eyes flashed at his tone but he remained, outwardly at least, calm. “I understand you want nothing to do with me but I feel the need to apolo-”

Dan swept forward, gripping the labels of Lucifer’s jacket and spinning him around so his back hit the counter. “If you apologize, I swear to God I’ll break your fucking face!”

They were out of sight of the rest of the precinct, not that Dan noticed. He would have acted the same with or without an audience.

Lucifer did not seem particularly perturbed by being manhandled, though he cast an exasperated look at where Dan was wrinkling his suit. “Well if you don’t want an apology, pray tell, what do you want?” He abruptly pried Dan’s hands off him, his grip whipcord strong. “I’ve grown tired of you glaring daggers at me every day.”

“What do I want?” Dan wanted to scream but kept his voice lowered. It took every bit of his resolve. “I want Charlotte to be here and you dead! That’s how it should’ve happened. Why do you get to be here? All you do is destroy everything you touch!”

The life sputtered out of Lucifer’s eyes, a match crushed underfoot and extinguished. “Daniel,” he started.

“No, I don’t want to hear it. First Charlotte and now you’ve gotten a detective killed because you think you’re above the rules! They didn’t deserve that, neither of them. They were better people than you’ll ever be!”

Watching Lucifer crumple at his words excited Dan. Finally, someone else was hurting as he was. It was exquisite, pouring all his loathing into the one who actually deserved it.

“I bet if I read through all the cases you consulted on, there’s plenty of people who got hurt because of you! That’s what you do, right? The Devil, Satan, whatever fucking name you want to use.” Dan was dimly aware of the fact Lucifer wasn’t even trying to contradict him but he was too far gone in his own wrath to care. “You hurt Chloe with your stupid shit all the time but just because she’s got blinders on when it comes to you doesn’t mean the rest of us do. I see what you are. You’re a monster.”

“Daniel,” Lucifer tried again and it was so near a plea. That anguish was back in those haunted eyes, begging him to stop his tirade.

Dan was a man possessed though, every negative thought he’d had in the last three months pouring out. “I used to feel bad for you when you talked about your family. But now I don’t. How badly did you hurt them? I bet throwing you out was the best day of their lives. And why wouldn’t it be? God knows if I could get rid of you, I’d do it right now!”

Lucifer was shaking, head bowing as if the weight of Dan’s words was a physical pressure pushing him down. Dan wasn’t having it though. He wanted to see the impact of his words. Grabbing Lucifer’s shirt lapels, he jerked him forward so they were nose to nose.

“You’re a murderer,” he said flatly.

Lucifer’s lips moved but his words were no more than a rasp emanating from somewhere deep in his throat.

“What? You don’t believe me?” Dan released Lucifer’s shirt, backing up a step in disgust. “Sure, okay then, tell me. Tell me that lying about Pierce isn’t the reason Charlotte is dead. Tell me that you’re not the reason Chloe left with my daughter for a month. Tell me that the body of the detective cooling the morgue isn’t because of you. Actually, don’t just tell me. Why don’t you tell their families too? How about you look Charlotte’s kids in the eyes and tell them that you aren’t the reason they don’t have a mother!”

“Dan, stop!” a panicked voice yelled and Dan whirled to find Chloe behind him, mouth agape in horror.

“Chloe…” and for the first time, he faltered. His brain seemed to finally catch up to his aching heart, stopping his vengeful lecture.

Chloe shoved past him, reaching for her shaking partner. “Lucifer,” she soothed. “Hey, come here.”

The moment her fingers brushed his sleeve, he jolted hard enough to upset a tepid cup of coffee resting on the counter.

“Don’t,” he said, voice strained. “Please, don’t.”

“Hey, shhh. I’m sorry.” Chloe approached him again, hands raised in submission. “Lucifer, you’re not a” - she shot Dan a look of pure venom - “murderer.”

Lucifer was ghostly pale, eyes nearly black in contrast. “But I am.” His eyes were wet and fever bright. “They died because of me. He died because of me.”

He? 

Dan looked to Chloe but evidently she didn’t understand either.

“Lucifer, no one died because of you.” She reached for him again. “I’m taking you home, okay? You’re upset.”

Lucifer wrenched himself backwards, nearly toppling over in his haste to escape. 

“You don’t understand,” he said, anguished. Eyes darting, he zeroed in on the elevators and made a beeline for the exit.

Dan just managed to get out of Lucifer’s way as the consultant shoved past him, long stride carrying him across the room rapidly. More than a few detectives watched in shock, the blinds of Ella’s lab twitching, but none followed. 

“How could you?”

Dan couldn’t meet Chloe’s watery gaze so instead he stared at her boots. “I just… I wanted him to feel guilty.” The excuse sounded so flimsy now that he’d said it aloud.

“Did you really think he didn’t already?” Chloe scrubbed viciously at her eyes. “He’s not an animal, Dan! He feels, more than anyone else I’ve ever met. Do you seriously think he hasn’t spent every single day wishing Charlotte was still here?”

“He didn’t deny it though,” he argued weakly, wondering why he was even trying to defend himself.

Smack.

Dan jerked back, touching his stinging cheek, startled. Chloe’s hand was still raised, as if debating whether or not to hit him again.

“How dare you use his guilt to excuse your behavior! How dare you blame him!”

“If he had only told the truth-”

“Are you really going to lecture someone else about lying? After Palmetto? Is it your fault those people died? That Malcolm was strapped to life support for almost a year?” Chloe snarled. “If you had told the truth at the start, maybe none of it would have happened. Maybe I wouldn’t have been labeled as the villain and Malcolm would have never had the chance to kill Paolucci or threaten our daughter. But we don’t know and we can’t blame people for what ifs, Dan.”

He had nothing to say. There wasn’t anything to say, really.

Chloe looked away, her anger giving way to sorrow. “I can’t imagine how terribly you hurt him just now. He thinks of you as a friend, or did at least, Charlotte too. And I know you’re hurting too, we all are. Ella. Maze. Linda. But Lucifer didn’t pull that trigger. Pierce did. No one forced him to either. No one stuck a gun to his head. He decided all on his own to take another life. I’m sorry he’s not still alive for you to scream at but hurting those who are still here, Dan it’s not going to help.”

“I just couldn’t handle it, how Lucifer walked around like nothing had happened. He was more upset about you leaving for Europe than he was about Charlotte dying.”

Chloe bit her lip. “I shouldn’t have done that to him. He had just shown me something important, something he was afraid I would judge him for, and I bailed. All the times I wished he would be honest with me and when it finally happened, well, turns out I couldn’t handle it. So yeah, I left. I left both of you when I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what happened while I was gone.”

“He partied every damn night! I drove by Lux and the only time it was silent was the day he found out you left.” Dan’s temper was on the rise though he wasn’t sure what was fueling it anymore. “So you leaving was his fault then. I knew it!”

“This isn’t about who was right or wrong or… God damn you Daniel Espinoza. Just… just damn you.” Chloe sounded unexpectedly worn. “There are so many things I can’t tell you about Lucifer, that I don’t have a right to tell you. But that shouldn’t matter. How you just treated him, what you said…”

Why did everything always come back to Lucifer? Why was he, Daniel Espinoza, meant to suffer alone while everyone came to Lucifer’s defense?

“Chloe, I’m drowning,” he choked. “I’m drowning and no one cares.”

“I care Dan. I’ll always care. Trixie, she’s scared to death for you. We don’t know what to do though! You won’t let us in and now… now I’m scared too. That wasn’t just you venting, you wanted to hurt Lucifer in the worst way possible.” She moved to hug him but aborted at the last second, gripping his hand instead. “I just don’t know what to do.”

He looked at their joined hands, felt the familiar way her skin settled against his own. “So Lucifer’s been feeling guilty this whole time?”

Chloe sighed. “Dan, sometimes I wonder if all his guilt won’t kill him. Until just now, I’ve only seen him that upset once.

“What happened?” he asked, though he was sure she wasn’t going to respond. The question was too personal.

To both their surprise, she answered. “He asked if I could accept him and I said I didn’t know. I wanted to but I just couldn’t.” She released his hand, only to drag him into a hug. “He thinks he’s a monster. He’s thought that as long as we’ve known him, maybe forever.”

Dan tightened his hold on her, eyes wandering sightlessly. He’d known, from the moment the words crossed his lips, that they were untrue. Blaming Lucifer, it was what helped him sleep at night, but deep in his soul, assuming he still had one, he’d always known it was Pierce’s fault. And now someone had paid dearly.

He felt no spark when he remembered Lucifer shivering, silently begging him to stop. And he hadn’t disputed any of it had he? He’d accepted it, like Dan was a god who could reign judgement so decisively. As Dan had told him that he deserved to die, Lucifer had accepted that like it was a fact.

“I need to apologize.” He released Chloe, missing her warmth the moment his arms dropped.

She nodded, hiccupping slightly. “Yeah, you do.” She hesitated. “Dan, please be careful with him. He’s not like us.” There was special reverence in her tone but the true meaning was lost on Dan.

He was still mulling the words over an hour later as he drove towards the center of Los Angeles, having ducked out of work early with an excuse about stomach pain. It wasn’t a lie either, he felt like he was going to throw up pure acid.

He wasn’t sure if Chloe would have been so accommodating of him if she had heard the first part of what he’d said to Lucifer. He’d all but asked Lucifer to leave, poked at every single weakness he could find. 

Lucifer hadn’t attended Charlotte’s funeral and at first even that had pissed Dan off. But now he wondered if Lucifer had thought he wouldn’t be welcome. As far as Dan knew, no one had even contacted the club owner. Maybe Ella or Linda had but still, he hadn’t shown.

Did he even know where she was buried? Did he want to visit her?

So lost in thought was he, that Dan didn’t immediately notice the major issue with Sunset Boulevard. The decrease in foot traffic definitely should have clued him in but it wasn’t until he pulled into a spot on the shoulder that he realized what was so off.

Lux was dark.

Not just dark, that wasn’t enough to explain it. The very air around the building was hostile, a warding cloak of menace.

He climbed out of his car, walking towards the main entrance. The door was unlocked but inside was completely black. A chill crept from the bowels of the building. Not the chill of an air conditioning unit, but a heart freezing despair.

Creeping inside, he let the door close noiselessly behind him and padded down the carpeted hall. He came out on the balcony overlooking the empty club. Moving instead towards the elevator, he pushed the call button and waited, studying his surroundings. The place was as pristine as he’d ever seen it but without the electricity, without Lucifer, the room could have belonged to any club in the city. 

The personality was gone.

The elevator chimed merrily, the first welcoming thing since he’d entered Lux. Riding silently, he wished there was some music to break the tension. He stepped out the moment the doors opened but did not go further than a few steps, the chill from before now overwhelming - so much so, he did not immediately recognize the damage done to the penthouse.

His focus caught up quickly though and his eyes jumped from the broken bottle on the bar top, its contents oozing across to the edge and dripping onto the floor, to the fact the coffee table was now just a pile of shattered glass. The television was broken as well, cracks in the screen webbing out from the initial impact point.

“Lucifer?” he called, stepping further inside the lifeless room. “It’s me, Dan. I um… came to talk.” 

His foot kicked something and he looked down, realizing it was a phone. Picking it up, he instinctively pressed the power button, the screen lighting up to display, of all things, a picture of Chloe. She hadn’t been looking towards the screen when the picture had been taken. Turned away, she was reading something on her work computer, brows drawn down in concentration. Her hair was out of its usual ponytail, falling across her shoulders.

This was Lucifer’s phone, he realized.

He should have just set it down but some part him, evidently a suicidal part, swiped to open the device. Again, he found another photo of Chloe, this time with Lucifer. Lucifer was grinning while Chloe looked exasperated though happy, corners of her eyes crinkling.

It had been a long time since he’d seen either of them so content in the company of the other. The picture must have been taken before Chloe’s vacation, the one she hadn’t even told Lucifer about...

“Finished snooping?”

Dan whirled, dropping the phone. It clattered against the tile floor, loud as an airhorn in the silence.

“Lucifer, crap you scared me,” Dan said.

Lucifer was standing in a doorway by the bookcase, stripped of his jacket and waistcoat. His face was completely blank though still sickly pale. The white shirt he wore was smeared with dirt, one half untucked from his trousers. His hair was ruffled into curls, eyes sunken.

“Why are you here?” he asked flatly, moving to the bar and grabbing the first bottle within arm’s reach. He nearly overflowed a tumbler, several drops hitting the floor from his haphazard pouring manner, and then draining the contents in one long swallow. His throat was still working as he poured more into the glass.

“I wanted to apologize for my behavior before. It was-”

“Completed warranted,” Lucifer finished. “Honestly, I’m surprised it took as long as it did for you to burst.”

“What I said wasn’t warranted. Jesus dude! I practically told you your life was worthless.” He approached the bar nervously.

“Worth is relative, Daniel.” He was on his third drink now and showed no signs of stopping, his bottle nearly spent. “And you were quite right, Charlotte was better than me. She saw Hell and tried to change. Me? I let it swallow me whole.”

Dan crept closer, not sure what to do now. He hadn’t exactly gone into this with a plan in place. A part of him was angry again just seeing Lucifer but he shoved that particular feeling back down. Anger was what had gotten him into this mess.

“Well, you’re better than me at least so what does that say?”

Lucifer jerked his head in agreement. “I suppose. I didn’t drive by your home every night like a mobster planning a hit. Whatever were you planning to do?”

Dan blanched. How had he known?

Lucifer set his glass down hard. “Don’t insult my intelligence. Of course I knew you were sneaking around like a bloody rat. I was prepared, had new bouncers on duty so you could sneak your poison in. What was it? Brass knuckles? A knife? Or maybe you were just interested in shooting me and being done with the whole ordeal.”

“I wasn’t going to shoot you!” He withered under Lucifer’s sharp look. “Okay, yeah, I fantasized about it but shit, I would never do that!”

“Wouldn’t you? I had just stolen one of the most precious things in your life. Is there really any way to judge how far a man might go when he’s lost everything?” Lucifer asked slyly, opening another bottle.

“Yeah, yeah there is a way to judge.” Dan strode to the bar, bluffing confidence as he took the bottle from Lucifer. “That day I told you Chloe had gone to Europe… you had no idea.” He looked away, the discarded phone catching his eye. The phone with pictures of Chloe… “Things between the two of you got pretty bad. You didn’t fantasize about killing anyone though.”

“Incorrect. I’d have killed myself in a moment if I thought it would have helped the Detective any.” Lucifer leaned over the bar top, settled on his elbows as he stared directly into Dan’s very soul. “But in a most ironic twist, I can’t be killed unless the object of my despair is near.”

Dan hoped to God all that was just metaphors.

“I know you care about her, so why did you let her go out with Pierce? You knew who he was the whole time.” Dan tried to keep the accusation from his tone, he really did.

“She was happy. That’s all that mattered. All that’s ever mattered.” 

“So you what, just decided for yourself she didn’t have the right to know?”

Lucifer looked away, perusing his shelves for another bottle. “I tried. We’ve had this conversation already, remember?”

“Chloe said you told her Pierce was immortal, not that he was the Sinnerman.”

He groaned, running a hand through his curls in agitation. “I suppose I wanted her to just trust that I was telling the truth. Was I asking too much? Perhaps. Our Detective loves her realism… or she did at least.”

“And Charlotte? Did she believe you?”

Lucifer’s shoulders tensed beneath his dirt stained shirt. “Charlotte Richards was an extraordinary woman. She was shown the worst this universe could offer and changed for the better. A weaker individual, Malcolm for instance, could never have done what she did. In the end, all she wanted was to do the right thing.” He looked upwards. “She was fond of you Daniel, any fool could see it. I’m sorry you didn’t have more time together. It wasn’t fair.”

Dan’s eyes flickered up to the ceiling and back again. “So you think she’s in Heaven?” He waited for Lucifer’s nod of agreement before continuing. “But, how? You talk about Heaven and Hell like they're so real…”

Lucifer smiled, a cynical grimace, but a smile nonetheless. “How do your priests or your parents know? It’s all guess work in the end. Charlotte was escorted personally though and even if she hadn’t, Heaven was where she was going regardless. You see,” he stepped out from behind the bar, “it all comes back to guilt. No one judges you lot, no one is sitting at a desk and counting your sins. You die and your soul either feels it deserves punishment or it doesn’t.”

“That sounds like a terrible system.” Dan took a sip from his pilfered bottle.

“Maybe but what is the alternative?” He turned, catching Dan with a look that spoke of an ancient wisdom. “Who are any of us to pass judgement on another? After all, who really gives a toss about how you live your life? It’s inconsequential. All that matters is how you personally feel. That’s the beauty of free will.”

Dan was floored by Lucifer’s sudden insights. He had always thought of the other man as being a delusional, shallow, ass. The mention of judgement, however, reminded Dan why he was here.

“Listen man, some of the stuff I said to you… it was awful. I wish I could just take it all back.”

“Yes, there seems to be a lot of that going around. No one means anything yet still they act on it all the same.” Lucifer returned to the bar, beginning to pace.

Dan wasn’t sure what that meant but he forged on regardless. “I know I can’t change what happened but taking that out on you, you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t kill Charlotte. Pierce did. I don’t know why I allowed myself to ever pretend otherwise.”

“Admirable as your apology is, you are mistaken. Charlotte’s death is as much my fault as Pierce’s. I should’ve known better. He was trying to change and I thought… well, I thought maybe he could do it, be a better man.” Lucifer’s steps became jerkier, hands clenching at his sides. “I erred and you paid for it.”

“Even if you had told us, we don’t know if anything would have been different.” Dan smiled to himself as he realized he was paraphrasing Chloe. “You can’t take the blame when there are a thousand other variables at play. That’s like saying Charlotte would still be alive if Pierce’s parents had never met or if Charlotte’s parents had decided to live in New York instead of LA. Their choices don’t make them guilty.”

Lucifer was not soothed by the logic though. If anything he was becoming more and more agitated. “Well, I’m relieved it’s that easy for you. Congratulations.” A foul darkness had crept in, tainting the air with danger. “But that’s how it goes with you humans. You hurt and wreak havoc until you come to your senses again without ever understanding the consequences.”

“Lucifer...” Dan rounded the bar worriedly but the other man avoided him, walking carelessly through the broken glass littering the floor as he reached the windows overlooking the balcony.

“I do hurt people. It’s a special talent of mine.” He whirled around, eyes wild. “When my family kicked me out, they rejoiced. My siblings had a celebration even as I burned. You were quite right in your assumption that the greatest moment in their lives was ridding themselves of me.” He rubbed at one of the dirt patches on his shirt. “Earlier today I was visiting a grave. It’s a small, unmarked thing, set deep in the woods beyond the city.”

Dan didn’t want to ask, not when Lucifer was so riled. How had he ever fooled himself into thinking that this would go okay after the scene at the precinct? Lucifer seemed almost completely unhinged.

“Who’s grave was it?” he asked, covertly reaching for the phone in his pocket just in case things went south.

“Why my brother Uriel’s of course!” And Lucifer laughed then, a terrible, vile sound. “You see, he wasn’t pleased by some of my choices and decided the best way to get me to fall in line was to threaten our dear Detective.”

Dan’s hand dropped from his pocket. “Your brother threatened Chloe? Why didn’t you tell someone! You could have had him arrested in minutes, we literally work in the police department!”

Lucifer’s expression lost none of its horrifying glee. “Oh, I did tell the Detective! She wouldn’t listen though. So I took matters into my own hands. We fought but he wouldn’t stop and I knew the only way to protect her was to kill him.” He raised one shaky hand to his face, as if he could still see the blood there. “I stabbed him with his own knife, held him while he died, buried him under some tree where no one would ever find him like he was a dog!”

Dan was frozen, not even breathing as he listened to the terrible story. Chloe’s life had been in danger. He realized that his hand had unintentionally dropped to the gun at his hip. Lucifer had just admitted to murder and it was his job to arrest murderers…

The only thing that stopped him from drawing his weapon and making an arrest was his own sordid past. Chloe was right, there was blood on his hands, blood she didn’t even know about. Warden Perry Smith had died because of his interference.

Still, Lucifer had just said he’d stabbed someone, even if it sounded like it might have been in self defense. He understood protecting Chloe but Dan didn’t know the whole story.

He forcibly removed his hand from his service weapon, even as doubt clouded his mind. The only reason Chloe had been in danger in the first place was because of Lucifer. Why shouldn’t it be his fault? Would his brother have gone after Chloe if Lucifer wasn’t her partner? He tried to banish the thoughts but they remained. Persistent. Whispering in his ear.

“Lucifer, I had no idea…” he wasn’t sure what the other man needed to hear. He wasn’t Chloe or Ella or even Trixie.

“Of course you didn’t know!” Lucifer roared, the glass panes of the windows rattling. “What right did you have to knowing something like that? Not even the Detective knows. Oh she saw the aftermath, sure, but those sordid details? No, I wouldn’t have it.”

“But why tell me then? Why are you telling me any of this?” 

“Because you guessed it already so what’s the point? I am indeed a murderer, just like you said. Maybe I didn’t kill Charlotte or cause the demise of that young officer but I murdered my own brother. Everything I touch turns to ruin. Chloe only glimpsed the real me and she crossed an ocean to escape the monster she saw!”

Dan would be the first to admit that he didn’t upset easily. Crying was just one of those things that he had never felt any inclination for. Of course he became sad, sometimes enough to warrant tears, but rarely did they ever form.

His eyes were burning now though, a vicious ache caused by the sight before him, the tangible proof of the damage his words had caused. He’d always known Lucifer had deep running issues with his family but to see such stark pain, to know he had caused at least some of that raw hurt, was almost too much for him.

“Don’t say that, man. You had an impossible choice.”

“I killed him!” Lucifer tugged harshly at his own hair as if meaning to pull out each strand. “My little brother, I killed him!” He whirled, kicking out at one of the end tables beside the couch. The lamp toppled off, shards of ceramic joining the ever growing mess. “And I killed Pierce too! And Charlotte! Why don’t we just keep adding on to the list!”

Dan shrank away, eyes darting towards the elevator. 

But Lucifer had stopped his sudden assault on the furniture. He wheeled around to face Dan, body shaking with repressed fury and grief, though he seemed to be making an effort to calm himself, unsuccessful as the attempt may be.

“I want you to leave.”

Dan almost did so, the commanding tone imploring him to obey. He held his ground though, forcing himself to not so much as blink. He had dug this hole and there was no way he was going to bail.

“I can’t do that. What I said, I want to-”

“If you say atone, I will slice out your tongue!” Lucifer snarled and his eyes flickered, a dash of vibrant red streaking through the usual brown.

“I wasn’t,” he said softly, forcing himself to remain calm. “I can’t.”

“Then why are you here?”

Now Dan was getting agitated too, the tension lighting him up inside like when he had a gun drawn on him. He tried to keep himself grounded, pinching his thigh. Lucifer wasn’t making it easy though and that anger he had been successfully repressing began to rise, volatile as a rattlesnake. 

“Man… Lucifer,” the name felt weird on his tongue, “I just feel like I need to be here. What I did… it sucks being alone when you’re...” Holy shit, why was this so hard?

Lucifer glared, head cocked. “What in the world makes you think I need for you to be here, Detective Douche?”

Despite the colorful nickname, Dan knew it usually was just Lucifer’s eccentric way of being friendly. This time though, he nearly spat the word douche - twisting it into an insult.

“I guess I deserve that,” Dan conceded, even as his temper rose.

Why did Lucifer have to be such an ass all the time? He was really fucking trying here! He could’ve arrested the man for admitting to murder but instead he was trying to be understanding.

The club owner stalked forward, lithe as a panther. “I think you’re only here because the Detective asked it of you. After four years separated, you’re still her puppy. Padding around, eager to please her. Tell me, Daniel, what is it you really want. What is it you desire?”

They were almost chest to chest now and Dan was acutely aware of their height difference. Not just in the physical sense either. Lucifer seemed to tower over him, an ethereal being who saw him as nothing more than a plaything. This was not the same man he had dealt with at the precinct.

“Back off, man,” he snapped.

Lucifer reached out, grabbing his shirt collar and dragging him forward. “I asked you, what is it you desire?”

He felt the pull, words forcing their way up his throat and out of his mouth, eager to escape. He tried to swallow them but Lucifer’s eyes were only a few inches from his own, burning straight through him.

“I-I want the world to hurt like I do,” he whispered, transfixed.

Lucifer hummed, releasing him with a lazy shove. “How pathetic.”

Dan stumbled backwards, putting some distance between them. “What did you say?”

“I said, you dullard, how pathetic,” Lucifer smirked. “You want the whole world to suffer because you did? The universe doesn’t owe you anything. What did Charlotte ever see in you?”

“Fuck you!” Dan snarled.

Why had he come here, because Lucifer felt bad? The guy was an asshole, belittling his pain. And worse, using Charlotte to bait him. Screw what Chloe said, he wasn’t interested in being nice anymore.

“Would you really?” Lucifer’s mood was even more dangerous than before, the joking edge careening towards manic. 

“I would never sleep with someone like you,” Dan scowled, crossing his arms.

Lucifer’s face tightened and Dan knew he’d scored a hit.

“How about we make a deal?” Lucifer asked, fiddling with his cufflinks. “I fulfill your desire and you never dare speak to me again.”

“That doesn’t sound fair, seeing as I win twice. Do you know how many fantasies I’ve had about you disappearing or getting arrested? Seeing you is the worst part of my fucking day.” His anger was compounding, skin heated beneath his clothes. He could feel a cold sweat on his back, goosebumps erupting as the icy drops slid between his shoulder blades.

“You want the world to suffer? I can’t give you that, unfortunately. I can offer an alternative though,” he spread his arms wide. “Myself.”

The absurdity of what Lucifer was implying was enough to give Dan pause.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he asked roughly.

“It’s simple, Douche. Take all your fury out on me. After all, I am the one you’re really angry with.”

An alarm bell was going off in Dan’s head, warning him of the seriousness of the situation. People didn’t egg others into beating them up because they were in a good headspace. Yet his blood, as it’d done at the precinct, sang for it.

“I can’t just beat you up,” he protested, even as his hands curled into fists.

One punch. Just one. That’s all he needed. Just one good shot and he’d be good.

Lucifer rolled his eyes. “I suppose it’s a good thing you weren’t there when Pierce shot Charlotte. You probably would’ve just stood there with your thumb up your-”

Dan wasn’t aware he moved but he definitely felt the pain in his knuckles as his fist connected squarely with Lucifer’s jaw. 

The taller man took a half step back but was unruffled. Instead, he gave Dan a gleeful look.

“Oh come now, is that really all you’ve got? I thought you worked out.”

Dan snapped. He lunged forward, hitting Lucifer in the chest and driving the both of them to the floor. Straddling the consultant’s stomach, he punched him in the face again. He expected, hoped even, to see blood spurt out of what should’ve been a broken nose, but Lucifer merely laughed, shaking his head slightly.

The sound was an accelerant to Dan’s rage. Drawing back, he rained hits down on the prone form beneath him. His skin caught on Lucifer’s teeth, ripping and splattering blood onto the tiled floor.

Still, Lucifer seemed wholly unaffected. No blood. No winces. Nothing.

The lack of response only drove Dan to a higher fury. He was hardly even aware of the fact that Lucifer kept his arms by his sides, refusing to defend himself from the onslaught.

Then, finally, there was blood.

He nicked the corner of Lucifer’s brow, a shallow scoring yielding hardly more than a droplet of crimson liquid but still Dan felt the thrill of victory. 

“Daniel-” Lucifer began but was cut off by a punch in the jaw.

“Shut up! Just… just shut your goddamn mouth!” Dan screamed, hitting him again. His blows were wild, some missing his target entirely and instead glancing off the floor, but most were true, pounding into soft flesh with muted thuds. 

Lucifer wasn’t laughing anymore. His arms remained in a defenseless position, head snapping to the side with each hit he took. Now, there was almost too much blood. It ran from his lips, from both his nostrils, from his hairline. His head lolled, eyes glazed over.

Dan was slow to stop, only the excruciating pain in his hands enough to force him to cease the assault. He sat back, breathing heavily, and blinked sweat out of his eyes. Beneath him, Lucifer was completely still but for the uneven rise and fall of his chest. His head was turned to the side, only a narrow strip of white visible from between rapidly swelling eyelids. Saliva mixed with blood and dripped from parted lips, creating an obsidian puddle on the dark tiled floor which stained his white shirt collar vibrant red.

For a long moment, all Dan could do was stare, an exceptionally morbid artist scrutinizing his work. His gaze darted from cut to cut, tracing the winding path of newly awoken bruises, the patches of matted hair. Had he done all that? The throbbing in his knuckles said yes.

Lucifer was still eerily motionless. A spark of panic cut through Dan’s numbness.

What the fuck had he been thinking? He could have killed him!

“Lucifer, hey. Wake up.” He climbed off the club owner, kneeling beside him and shaking his shoulder carefully. His leg grew wet from the blood soaking into his jeans and he shuddered in revulsion. 

He should’ve never let himself be goaded. What if he hadn’t come to his senses in time? 

Lucifer twitched, a low moan vibrating in his chest, and Dan sighed in relief. Responsiveness was a good sign.

A dark eye peeled open as far as the newly swollen skin would allow, pupil blown. Lucifer shifted, a shaking hand coming up to grope at his face, smearing blood across his skin. His unfocused gaze drifting around listlessly, taking in nothing.

Did he have a concussion? It was probable. Dan was utterly out of his element. Should he call an ambulance?

A traitorous part of his brain reminded him that he would almost definitely be arrested for assault if he called for help. He could lie of course, but would Lucifer?

He looked back down to where the consultant was struggling to roll onto his side and shame, hot and heavy as sun baked rocks, pulled at his gut.

“Hey man, you should stay still.” Hesitantly, Dan placed his hands on Lucifer’s chest, pushing him to lie back.

Lucifer ignored him, managing to get his hips sideway and brace his hands on the floor enough to raise his torso. He spat out a mouthful of blood, red spittle hanging from his lips like rusty stalactites. His arms trembled with the effort of keeping himself propped up, eyes still dazed.

“Tec,” he mumbled through swollen lips, shaking his head wearily.

“Huh? I can’t understand you.” Dan’s hands hovered near Lucifer, torn between supporting the other man and leaving him be. “What did you say?”

“Tec… vvv,” he tried again. One of his arms gave out and he collapsed onto his side, fingers scrabbling against the floor feebly as he tried to right himself again.

“Lucifer, I don’t understand!”

In reply, Lucifer twisted his head to see him. Even with both eyes rapidly blackening, the panic swirling in their dark depths was apparent. He looked frantically to the elevator and back to Dan.

“I don’t… wait, the elevator? Is someone here?” He made to stand, only to be dragged back down as a hand tugged at his shirt so he fell back to his knees.

“Chloe,” Lucifer said, elongating every syllable in his attempt to be coherent. Even so, the name was heavily slurred. “Stop. Chloe.”

“Dude, Chloe’s not here. She’s still at wo-” he cut off at the faint but unmistakable sound of the elevator rumbling to life and descending.

Dan shot to his feet, rushing towards the elevator. The thought of someone walking in on them in such a compromising position drove out any form of logic. He searched the sleek doors, looking for a button or switch he could flick to lock the elevator. 

“Lucifer, I don’t know how to stop it!” he said, voice echoing strangely.

Lucifer had managed to get to his hands and knees, though the effort necessary was costing him quite a bit. Dan stood by the door for a moment, indecisive. Lucifer clearly needed his help but unless he figured out how to stop the elevator…

He looked between his two options helplessly.

For a moment, it looked as though Lucifer was going to get up himself. Then his form buckled. Dan didn’t even think before abandoning the elevator, racing back to the shaking man and wrapping his arms around his waist to stop him from face planting. Lucifer bucked in his grasp but Dan held firm. 

“Which way do you want to go?” he asked. “Up or down?”

Lucifer jerked his head to indicate he wanted to be on his feet and Dan repositioned his arms, keeping one around the leaner man’s narrow waist and wrapping the other around his chest. Gently, he straightened himself, taking Lucifer with him. Dress shoes squeaked on the floor as Lucifer struggled to maintain his footing but Dan took his weight, balancing him the best he could.

“New... deal.” Lucifer gasped. “Chloe,” he swayed alarmingly, one of his hands latching onto Dan’s jacket, “she can’t… know.”

Dan was way ahead of him on that one. He knew they had only seconds until whoever had called the elevator showed up - he still doubted it was Chloe.

“Right, where?” He looked around the main floor, waiting for an obvious hiding place to jump out.

“Bathroom.” Lucifer was getting heavier with every heartbeat, more and more of his weight settling on Dan.

Thankful he’d helped Chloe celebrate her last birthday in the penthouse, he hauled Lucifer in the direction of his bedroom. Lucifer tried to help the best he could but his feet couldn’t find purchase, body sagging. By the time they reached the short set of stairs, Dan grabbed the taller man around the chest and unceremoniously pulled him the rest of the way.

Skidding through the closet, he reached the bathroom and looked around wildly for a place to put Lucifer. But Lucifer was at his limit. Sliding out of Dan’s grasp, he curled up on the floor, pressing his bruised face into the cool tile.

“No, c’mon, I can’t leave you on the floor,” Dan protested, keeping an ear trained for the elevator.

Lucifer grumbled but the message was clear. He wasn’t moving.

Still, Dan didn’t feel right just leaving him there on the floor. He looked around for something Lucifer could use to clean himself up but a voice calling from the main room stopped him cold.

“Lucifer? Dan? Anyone here?”

Oh fuck, it was Chloe. Dan’s stomach dropped to somewhere in the vicinity of his knees. She would never forgive him for this. Never. Would she try and rework their custody agreement? Would she take away Trixie?

A hundred scenarios flashed through his head, the worst of which being prison time. Weak groans drew his attention downwards to where Lucifer was staring through the doorway, horrorstruck.

Despite how his world was threatening to combust any second, Dan felt a nugget of irritation. What did Lucifer have to fear? He hadn’t beaten the shit out of anyone.

It took him a moment to realize Lucifer wasn’t grunting, he was trying to talk.

“Out,” Lucifer hissed. “Go. Out.”

Right, he couldn’t hide in here. Maybe there was a way he could divert Chloe and get her to leave…

A plan was forming in his mind, tickling the back of his head. Without stopping to ponder whether or not his idea would work, he sprang towards the shower, turning on the water. The sound of the spray hitting the tiled floor filled the room and he hurried out of the room, stepping over Lucifer and closing the door.

Rushing out of the closet, he almost collided with Chloe who had been about to enter.

“Shi - Dan? What are you doing in the closet? Where’s Lucifer?”

Heart hammering - and how did Chloe not hear it - Dan tried to fake nonchalance. “He’s, uh, showering in the shower.”

Wow, real smooth.

Chloe raised a brow, arms crossing. “Uh huh. And you’re in his closet because?”

“I… Lucifer asked me to pick out a new suit for him. To wear. After his shower.” He hoped to God his voice didn’t sound as false as he thought it did.

“So Lucifer decided to shower even though it’s barely past five and he asked you, you who he regularly makes fun of for having poor style, to pick out his ensemble?”

“... yes?”

She scowled. “Daniel Espinoza, what did you do?”

“N-nothing! I came over right after I left and we talked.” - technically - “Lucifer was out when I first arrived but he came home and his clothes were covered in dirt. He seemed uncomfortable so I suggested he shower before we continued talking!”

A part of Dan wondered if he should be more bothered by the way the lie rolled so easily off his tongue. Then again, he hadn’t exactly lied. He’d just… kept out a few pertinent details.

Chloe didn’t look convinced. “And your talk… how did it go?”

“Well we’re not done yet. There’s some more things we have to hash out.”

“But you apologized for what you said at the precinct right?” Her eyes narrowed. “Right?”

“Yeah, yeah I apologized.”

“Good.” She hesitated. “I should probably get out of your hair then and let,” she eyed him and the closed bathroom door beyond, “whatever this is, continue.”

Dan just managed to stifle his sigh of relief. He stepped out of the closet, intending to escort Chloe back to the elevator. The last thing he needed was for her to notice the blood on the floor.

Chloe followed him, and he relaxed now that he was nearly in the clear, and promptly ran towards the bathroom.

“Chloe, wait!” He grabbed for her, missed and stumbled into one of the closet built-ins.

Chloe paused at the bathroom, hand resting on the doorknob. “You have one chance to tell me the truth.”

“I… I did!” he said desperately. “Lucifer’s showering!”

“Bullshit! I was married to you for six years. I know exactly what you sound like when you lie. It’s the only time you stutter!” She turned to the door and called, “Lucifer? Are you okay?”

“Chloe,” he begged. “Please don’t…”

She ignored him, turning the knob and flinging open the door. Knowing it was futile, Dan lunged forward, hoping to catch the door and stop her from seeing inside the bathroom. Instead, he only managed to open the door wider, stumbling into Chloe.

“Oh my…” Chloe breathed, poised in the doorway.

For a moment, the three were frozen. Lucifer, still curled up on the floor, was unmoving aside for the way his chest heaved beneath his untucked shirt. Dan stood behind Chloe, so close his breath ruffled her hair.

Then, there was a flurry of motion as Chloe rushed to Lucifer, dropping to her knees beside him. The club owner's face was still bleeding, rivets thick and dark. Blood was everywhere, coating his face, his hands, his shirt. He shied away when Chloe reached for him, drawing his head back the best he could.

“Dan, what have you done?” she whispered, reaching again for Lucifer and catching his face. She began to examine him, poking and prodding gently even as he tried to escape.

Dan swallowed, mouth dry. The words were gummed up in his throat, making even breathing difficult. He had no explanation, no defense. Not this time.

Lucifer was still struggling against Chloe. “Pl-please don’t be mad,” he whispered, voice thick.

Chloe shot a glare at Dan but her gaze softened as she returned her attention to Lucifer. “Of course I’m not mad at you, why would I be?”

“N-no,” he mumbled, slitted eyes darting around the bathroom. “D-don’t be ma-mad at D-Dan.”

And Dan felt about two inches tall hearing those words. His legs shook faintly as he grabbed onto the door for some modicum of support.

“Lucifer-” Chloe said, face trembling with rage and sorrow. “He hurt you!”

“Told him to.” Lucifer’s eyes were glazing over again, more of his weight settling on the floor. “Made a… a deal.”

Chloe’s hand closed convulsively on his upper arm, though whether to steady him or from horror, Dan couldn’t tell.

“Why would you do something like that?” she asked, horrorstruck.

Lucifer’s eyes were sliding closed as his head hit the floor with a dull thud. “Didn’t want him to hurt any…anymore.” The words slurred and began to fade. “Wanted to fix…”

“But what about you?” Chloe whispered, a hand beneath his head to protect it from the tiles. “What if we don’t want for you to hurt either?”

It was evident though that Lucifer hadn’t caught her words. His chest rose and fell unevenly. It was all Dan could see, the admission echoing in his ears until his very eardrums felt in danger of bursting.

He’d really fucked up, hadn’t he?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually ask for feedback but this is one time I'd genuinely like to hear what you thought. This fic has been sitting around for close to a year now and hasn't been re-write for months now.


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